100 things to do before machugi ako!

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Sa lahat nang mga naligaw sa site na to, na-praning at nabibigyan nang mga kaulolan sa buhay, happy new sa inyo, sana patuloy ang ating mga ka-praningan dahil dun lang lalakas ang ating mga tuhod sa mga anomalyang nangyayari sa ating kapaligiran in otha wodz, that’s just how we face life re-a-li-ties, that is, pagtawanan. And I hope ang timang na reyna can deliver maski konti, matanggal lang ang pligiz nang mga muka ninyo!

So, dahil senyo, I came up with this not so very original idea. Sa totoo lang, you could go online and search for 100 things to do before na ma-tiguk ka or what. But this is 2007, the year of the Tiger and I was told, na eto na talaga! eto na ang year na ako’y magiging reyna elena! it’s this year that I will make it big… I’m not sure which one though… but heck! I don’t wanna miss that one out… so I have to prepare… and so here’s my own 100 things to do before na machugi ako.

( - Updated Valentines Day 2007)

1. Humingi nang apology ki J .. (Done! 12/29; 12/30)
2. Send him roses and chocolates… (Done! 12/29; 12/30)
3. Ok! Ok! Me paipit na tequila!  (Done! 12/29; 12/30)
4. Write a buk
5. An adult buk
6. No… komiks!
7. Have my life in a movie
8. Na ako ang bida!
9. Na me bayad! Ano ako? Miss Charity? Hell no!!!
10. Start a business… again (!) (Yeap! Doin’ it again!) I got an online store, an ebay store and opened another internet cafe! 4/3/07
11. Go to St. Petersburg, Russia - hindi Plorida!
12. Get interviewed by Wall Street… humm… teka sobra yata yun… New York Times… hmm… ano na lang, Manila Bulletin. Di na ata mangyayari to. Me nakaaway akong publisher! He He He
13. Meet Kuta
14. Meet Cath
15. Meet Bea
16. Fine, pati si Bromsmo
17. Start a consulting company (Done! Yeeehay!) With no clients! Bummer!
18. Start an online store (Me konting problema.) Done! 4/3/07
19. Start an import/export business (Related yata to sa taas!)
20. Start selling Tesirtnireyna Done! 4/3/07
21. Punyeta! Kahit anoooooOOOO! Yeap! 4/3/07
22. Pay-off my condo…
23. My overcharged credit cards..
24. My car… My cars…
25. Pati parking.
26. Pati yung aking weight loss program na umabot nang $55k
27. At si Joey. (Hahalikan ko na lang si Joey.)
28. Visit Montreal again…
29. Go to church and pray. (Ginagawa ko naman to ah!)
30. Sa loob at hindi na sa likod. (Yeap! Sa loob talaga. Tanungin nyo si Chuva!)
31. Tunay na simbahan. Karatula kasi yong una. (See above!)
32. Find my true purpose in life. (Di ko alam. Ako ba’y isang junk mail lang?!)
33. Wat do I wan to be wen I gru up? (Ako ba’y isang junk mail la’ang?)
34. Find me a man. A husman. A really, really good, wealthy, handsome husman. (Wag na. I love you J.)
35. Na hindi na meet sa craigslist. (He He He Tsaka ko na tu buburahin! Weeeee!)
36. Sit in a jury and say puro kayo guiltyyyyy!!!
37. And get interviewed on TV at ipagmayabang ang aking political intelligence
38. Meet Bill Clinton
39. and Hillary at mag-kape kape!
40. Makipagtunggan sa Oktoberfest in Munich at mag part time, sayang daming trabahu sa okasyon na yun!
41. Buy a house and lot! Yung indi inaanod.
42. Visit Mike, pero pag nag-alog alog ang kotse! Takbooo!
43. Visit Madir and Fadir, say thanks at say sorry, praning ako. (Ginawa ko to nung umuwi ako ano?!)
44. Come up with a good one-liner for reyna elena (Eto yata pinakamahirap!) Oi! Magaling ang Pinoy! (U like?)
45. No, ask my readers to come up with a good one-liner for reyna elena Walang sumagot!
46. Matatalino sila eh!
47. Hanap nang tarbahu sa menila (Walang mag hire sakin!)
48. Para maka-uwi naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
49. Turuan nang driving ang mga pinoy. Kurtesi baga.
50. Turuan mag-inglis nang matino ang mga pinoy.
51. Especially yong mga conyo dito sa Ortigas McDo na naririnig kong pa-inglis inglis at talagang mababasag ang aking irdram! Mga bwisiiiit!!!
52. Turuang mag-inglis si Glorya. Ngek, ok, lahat nang mga sa senadu at congresu!
53. Wag na lang silang pa-inglisin!
54. Turuang mag mix nang drinks tong mga bars sa Makati!
55. Turuang mag gamit nang tablespun ang pork tong mga pinoy para di ma-suspend sa Canada
56. Magkaron nang pamilya.
57. Yong indi dysfunctional
58. Ipasa lahat nang mga nurses.
59. Go to Boracay with Jef… Galing na raw kami don.
60. Go to Cebu with Jef… Galing na rin daw kami don.
61. Actually, get forgiveness ki Jef. He He He Mag-un ba kami talaga?!..I found out, mag MU kami
62. Organize a big event.
63. Sa Araneta.
64. Na ako ang sinasamba.
65. Buy a Lexus RX400h, ganda! Yung indi umiilaw lahat nang control panel!
66. Learn to ski.
67. Figure skating na lang kaya?
68. Visit Buenos Aires
69. At Sydney
70. At Tampere, Finland.
71. Cebu na lang uli, Eastwood na lang. Mura pa
72. Have drinks with Charlie, Oling, Jef, Obet, Jun, Dondon uli. Nakainuman ko sila nong nyu year.
73. Have drinks with Charlie, Oling, Obet
74. Have drinks with Charlie, Obet
75. Have drinks with… puta di bale, ako na lang.
76. Star in a porn movie.
77. Eeeekkk! Manonood na lang ako!
78. Reyna Elena at number 1 spot dito sa blogs. (Aba! Dahil sa mga RN, nag number wan ako ano?! Nung umalis sila, ayun, bumagsak uli ako. Hmppt!)
79. Buy another condo.
80. Apartment na lang kaya.
81. Room for rent na lang
82. Na ma-re-rentahan and not for relathieves.
83. Make alotta money.
84. Mo! money. Dami nila eh.
85. Help someone.
86. Na umasenso.
87. Teach in school.
88. Offer seminar.
89. Write a software.
90. Open an agency.
91. Write another blogarticle and hope to get - Reynz galing nang pagkatimang mo dun!
92. Speek fluent french
93. Quit smoking
94. Smoking other’s cigarrettes
95. Go back to the gym and lose the stumak
96. Help my love get to be a seaman (Ginagawa ko to ngayun!)
97. - Meet MOMNIBOCHOK! (ayan… inapdate ko na!)
98. - Find me a new “J” (Nunca!)
99. - Write about what happened between me and “J” (I did di ba?!)
100. - Find me a HAPPY NEW YEAR kasi sirang sira ang new year ko. Happy na ako. Kabalikan kaming dalwa.

Sandali… me tumawag! Tapusin ko mamya! Ang haba eh!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!

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Driving insanities sa Metropolitan Manila

Kung ikaw ay sanay mag-drive sa Yuropa, Chingapur, Ustrellya at Estados Unidos, mapa-praning ka if you ever drive sa highways and byways dito sa ating lupang hinirang kung saan karamihan senyo ay tinuli.

Eto ang sasabihin ko senyo: magrosaryo na kayo at magnovena sa lahat nang santo-santitos na sana eh safe ang driving NILA sa kalsada sakaling you decide to drive sa highways and byways dito sa ating lupang hinirang kung saan karamihan senyo ay tinuli. Why oh why? Kasi, dito po sa bayan natin, iba…ibang iba ang driving. Me kasabihan dito na if you board a bus? One of your feet is inside the bus and the other one is in the cemetery. Lupit ano?

Natatandaan ko non once upon a time… Nung una akong nag-drive, lahat na yata nang klaseng four-letter word eh nagamit ko na. Puro ako reklamo! We don’t do this shit in America! We don’t do this shit in America! We don’t do this shit in America! We don’t do this shit in America! We don’t do this shit in America! We don’t do this shit in America! We don’t do this shit in America! We don’t do this shit in America! We don’t do this shit in America! We don’t do this shit in America!

Until I realized, you know… kelangan… when in Rome, do what the Romans do. Maybe hindi ako aatakehen sa puso. So, eto ang aking masasabi mga anak.

Pinoy Driver

Wag nyong i-ismolin ang mga Pinoy driver! They could shit-drive the car to within a few millimeters na walang dala-dalawang isip! Ganon kagaling ang mga pinoy drivers pagdating sa driving skills! Maniwala kayo!

Ngayon, ang driving habits nang mga mokong na pinoy are completely different. They friggin follow no damn rules! Kesehodang presidential decree pa yan! Walang pakundangan ang mga pinoy. Let me prove this to you:

• They would make sudden left turn kahit na andun sya sa kasulok-sulukang right hand side nang Palawan!

• Yong lane eh nasa ginta na nang kotse nya!

• Cut nang cut nang lanes all the friggin time!

• Mag-iistop kahit na sa gitna pa nang Edsa!

• Red light? Dekorasyon lang ang mga yan!

• At night, kala mo mga multo ang sasakyan! Mga walang headlight!

• ‘Taz busina nang busina!!!

Anong drama ba nang? Department of Highways? dito??

Isa pang problemang malaki dito is yong nagpapatakbo nang Department of Highways sa buong bansa! Mas grabe yata dito sa Manila.

• Ni walang mga roadway signs, kung meron man, binaliktad o kaya pahalang

• Me mga street signs na nangawala at ni hindi man lang palitan

• Yong mga lanes? Bigla na lang nawawala! So, mapipilitan kang makipagsiksikan!

If you ever get home, check this one out! If you are driving on Edsa papunta ka sa airport, dadaan ka sa Ayala overpass. On your right hand side eh meron lane na nawawala. Alam nyo where it ends? Isang pader! Yeap, PADER!!! I was told, na merong na-chugi don, kasi nga, walang sign. Only after that accident nagkaron nang sign. Ganito kasi dito saatin, kelangan me malubhang manyari muna before doing something. Sounds like Ormoc or Ozone fire, right?

Mga nakakainis sa highway!

Andaming nakakainis sa highways dito!:

• Andyan yong mga pedestrian na susulpot na lang kung saan-saan!

• Andyan yong mga cigarette vendor na parang multo a-apear na lang sa window mo!

• Nakita nyo ba yong mga batang kakatok sa kotse mo? An dami non sa Shaw halos tapat nang San Miguel!

• Me mga nagbibisekleta

• Yong mga de-motor, singit nang singit at cut nang cut! Chances are, eto ang magiging una ninyong aksidente!

Hindi lahat nang intersection dito eh me traffic signal. Kung meron, ang red traffic signal actually means - continue driving but be careful until na mabangga ka! Sa totoo lang, I thought all these traffic signals are nothing but decorations para lang sabihin sa foreign people na civilized din tayo no? Look! Me traffic light kami!!! Yeehhaa!

I see a lot of “Don’t block the intersection” similar to the ones in Philadelphia. Kaso, naiintindihan naman nila Inglis no? but they ignore it! Yong right-of way dito is by force! Now how to singit? Simple lang. In a bumper to bumper situation, bantayan mong umalpas nang konti yong bumper nang isa and in a split-second upakan mo yong accelerator para lang mai-ngud-ngud yong bumper mo. Now, pag naipasok mo kahit one millimeter? Ayos ka na. You have to repeat this exercise over and over!

 

STREET SCENES: Everyone is on the highway

Nakikita nyo ba yong trak na puno nang lupa? Pano pag nag-biglang preno yan at ikaw yong sa kotseng blue? You will need soap, dahil maliligo ka nang lupa.

Eto yong Walmart on Bikes, along Ortigas Avenue

Nakita na nyo yan di ba? Meron pang mas malala nyan right around 6 or 7pm. Pati roof nya, usable space!

I was told na ilang beses daw nilalagyan nang median blockade yan, kasi parati daw natutunaw. Kaya if you can clearly see what I saw - pisi po ang nakalagay! Ha Ha Ha

Just enjoying a leisurely afternoon sa kahabaan nang trapik!

Eto yong sinasabi kong basta na lang pupuslit at aapear sa gilid, sa harap at kung pwede lang, pati sa ibabaw mo!

Eto pa! Yong mga naiwan sa Tour de France!

Finally, our ever reliable tarsikol. Lahat yan, sali-sali sa highways and byways.

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Will I ever find one like him again? (Part 3)

Read Part 1

Read Part 2

I have a dream

Eye heb a dream! Bakit sila lang ba? Eye heb this gram plam na magkaron nang red carpet party sa balay ko. Pasasalamat sa aking ilang taong pango-ngopya sa business school. Matatapos na rin ako. Pasasalamat din sa aking mga nauto at pinag-aral uli ako.

Balak kong hakutin at imbitahin ang boung management team, the CEO, Mike’s wife and parents, my officemates, my close family, my friends and my sawako. Magyayabang ka din lang eh di gawin mo nang bigtime? Me reklamo?!

Merong pang isang importanteng tao sa aking trabaho life. Sya yong dati kong kong boss. He too was super-bait. Dyitims sya. Gradweyt ng Harvard, magna-cum-laude and a lawyer. Senior partner sya nang isang pagkalaki-laking law firm dito sa Philly. Sya and Mike ang nagbigay nang bumubulaklak na recommendation sa future school ko. Bow ako sa kanya. Kelangan, pagmayabangan ko rin sya.

House remodelling

So, ngayon - binaliktad ko balay ko. Sinalansan ko mga kwarto. Yong mga bulaklak sa wall? Sinunog ko. Yong pink na kulay? Pinalitan ko nang crayola. Tinupak talaga ako! Ginagawa ko to habang nasa paaralan ako.

Madami pa akong ka-artehan. Hardwood floors, new kitchen, tiles, finish the basement, I want a deck, bagong pridyidir, I want Ethan Allen, haluan nang Storehouse, and tapon ang Bombay’s, feel ko contemporary. Yong arinola sa banyo, ayoko nyan. Delete the word banyo, comes “powder room”?.

Yong palayan sa harap nang bahay ko, ginawa kong Shinto Garden. Shinto-shinto kasi ang itsura nang mga naitanim. Ok, tingnan nyo mga kaulolan ko. Look:

Family room: Storehouse

Kitchen: Crate & Barrell

Dining Room: Ethan Allen

Living Room: Ethan Allen

Living Room: Ethan Allen

Family Room: Ethan Allen

Hirap maging social climber. Daing rekisitos! Pero, halos tapos na lahat nang pagsa-salansan ko nang aking balay. Tamang tama, sisimulan ko na ang mga invites. Me na-order na nga akong bagong biz card. Idinag-dag ko na ang aba-kada sa dulo nang pangalan ko. Gusto ko, feel nang boss ko na sulit na sulit ang ginawa nila sakin. Yan ang aking Eye Heb a Drim.

Golf Outing

Eye lurrvvee going to school! Trulili! Mga klasmeyts ko are one fine breed of intelligent (siguro umaarte lang) and upper-class management people (magaling ding sumipsip gaya ko). Ako lang talaga ang dating magsasaka, nakapayong habang nag-aararo nang palayan namin. Truly, sincerely and honestly. But do they know? Na ako’y Cinderella sa Putikan? Muse nang asosasyon nang mga nag-aararong kalabaw?? Hindi. Yan ang aking sekretong ipinasok ko sa isang small bamboo tree na ginawang haligi nang tatay ko. Artista ako. Araw araw, gina-praktis ko ang script ko. Ang galing-galing ng lola ninyo!

I remember one time

Classmate ? So, Reynz ? do you golf?

R ? Sure, I do. Why?

Classmate ? You gotta join us!

R ? *umandar ang ere ko* Well you see, back in the Philippines, there’s a golf course behind my house.

[Chuva ? Reynz, palayan at taniman nang kamote yon.]

[R ? Huh? Eh golp kurs ang tawag nang tatay ko non eh!]

[Chuva ? Imahinasyon lang yon nang tatay mo, tanga!]

Come Friday in school, I was doing a catwalk when I saw my name in this big banner! Golf Outing. Eeeeekkkkkkkk!!! ‘Nyeta! Eh nagbibiro lang po ako ah! Mamaa! Paki-erase nga hu nang pangalan ko dyan! Di daw pede! Peste talaga! Nataranta akoooo!!! Wa ako choice. Pasubo na naman ako! ?Nyeta alaga!!

Saturday, I drove around Jersey. Naghanap nang driving range! Shit! Ammahal! $250 per hour! Drive me to Pennsylvania! Gan-un din! Finally! Going home, I saw Bensalem Country Club. Pinagtyagaan ko si Lolo at $95 per hour. Den, I shopped for golf clubs! Damn! Ano ba tong pinasukan ko!!! Bought one at Walmart! Pede na to!

Following Friday, ready na ang lola nyo. Gather tugider muna kami sa clubhouse. Tumigok mi nang vodka! Shock ang aking classmates! Vodka?!

Classmate: Wat tyu doin dudette?! Were golfing!

Reynz: No worries, ok?! Dat alcohol is gonna evaporeyts!

Tira time!

Heck! Ako pala una! Ennnnggggg! Yung bola ko kumakaliwa! Kumakanan! Naka-navigation? ata tong mga bolang to!!! Applause nang applause sila! Pero me halong ibang decibel na halakhak!

Classmate: Hey reynz! Don’t stay too long in the woods!

Reynz: Kk mong blue! Mahal tong mga bolang to no?!

Piktapos nung kahihiyang inabot ko, wala na talaga sa listahan kong i-career ang golf. Binura’t bli-nak ko IP address nang golf sa dicksyunaryu ko.

Mga kaklase ko

Lahat sila came from named pharmaceuticals, fortune 500 companies and well-known companies. Me mga senior vice-presidents, senior managers, managers, directors? Ako lang talaga ang… well… ahh… ummm… kwan, CFO/Controller-Cassava Dissiceyshun Operashuns. Not bad. But my company is not in their league. So, it’s not really comparable. Maliit lang ako. Kakapirangot.

Finals na! Hectic na sked nang lola nyo! Den, daming networking event. No, hindi to yong magtitinda ka nang magic arinola. I love networking! Eh kasi, puro alak na naman eh! Tsaka dami mong matsi-tsika. Eh ako kasi I love meeting people! As a matter of fact, some of the most important people in my life, na-meet ko lahat sa ilalim nang tulay.

Well, this one too. This is where I met Kaz, yong Hapon kong kebigan. Dito ko na-meet si Vlad, na tiga Moldova, pero nag-aral sa Budapest who’s been inviting me to go to St. Petersburg. Sa ilalim din nang tulay na to na meet ko Fabrizio, ang pinakagwapong Italyanong naging kebigan ko, and now the Country Manager of China for a well-known company. Eh kahit na nga yung una kong syota, nakilala ko lang sa lansagan nang Drexel University eh. Pero, in fairness!, anakis sya nang ambassador to East Germany at that time who lost the job when Germany merged.

Gradweyshun

After almost 2 and a half years of MBA work, ready na akong rumampa and get my diploma. Di ko sinabi sa lahat na ngayon ang aking graduation. Only a couple of people knew. Eh, lungkot na lungkot ako. Kudrado talaga muka ko. Eye even have to wear sunglasses at one point sa mala tsunami kong hikbi. No, not of happiness. Of shit man. Just how could you lose nang tarbahu na isang utot na lang eh me diplomatics na ako? At mga? classmates ko? Promotions galore! Punyeta nilaaaa!!! Waaa! Prsss! Paul tapped my back. He’s the Controller of a Fortune 100 company. It’s gonna be ok?. He too, was laid off last week. Kaso sa kanila, di awayan.

Masaya party namin pero malungkot talaga ako. I became very close pa naman sa lahat ng mga kolokoy na to! Ung isa balik na sya nang London. Ung isa accepted the Sr. VP position of one of the biggest pharmaceutical company in India. Ung isa inilipat sa Shanghai and became the operations head. Another one was promoted to Sr. VP for one of the biggest trucking company in the US. One is going back to Iraq. He’s a soldier. Puro ganun. Ako?! Pooonyeeta! “Could I have another Kettel One and tonic, please? Pour some vodka, gasolina and a little bit of muriatic acid on the rocks”. Marunong lumangoy ang lungkot ko. Nalasing ako.

Au revoir!

Nag-mistulang scene sa Miss Saigon ang drama ko. “Yu wil be hu yu wan tu beee yuuuuu!”, kaso anlayo sa drama ko! So, I washed my car. I want it to be sparklingly clean. I have a lot of memories in this car. Dai palang shit and junks hidden in every armpit in my car. Pero hindi to! It’s a picture of Mike! then another one with his wife and kids. I also found a CD that was given to me by the VP-Technology the other week.

There was not going to be any party in my house, after all. So, I shipped my furniture to Pasig. They’re all brand new. Mahal ko talga bahay ko. Dami kong mga bisita dito. Umaga, hapon, gabi - pero yong mga madaling araw na bisita ang gusto ko. Binenta ko bahay ko.

Ga-kwento ko wid my close friends about my plan. Ang di nila alam, everything were already in place.

I told Chris. This was his reaction: !@#$%^&* nababaliw ka ba?

And then, one after the other found out! So,? I got a lot of !@#$%^&* tanga ka talaga! !@#$%^&* nag-m-menopoause ka na ano? !@#$%^&* anong gagawin mo ron? !@#$%^&* tanga tanga mo! estupidita! !@#$%^&* makinig ka mariang makiling! !@#$%^&* babalik ka rin! !@#$%^&* ulol! %^&*(@ tado ka talaga!!

Go First Class

“Business Class passengers may now board the aircraft!” as the announcement goes. Andito ako sa eroporto. Yeap, pekealam ko sa munco! I flew first class. Ewan. I guess, sa galit ko. I never flew first class. Di ko kasi alam kung me mga seremonyas bago ka mapunta ron eh. But I could hear Mike:

• Act like one and you’ll be one!

• Will you stop dressing like you’re going to a rock concert?

• Give me a smile, else go home and get laid. Darn sure you’ll come back with a smile.

• You invite what you think.

• You should dance!

It’s nice flying first class. Feel ko talaga Reyna ako. Uuwi na ako. Ayoko na sa bayan nang mga apples, oranges at snow. Mag-sasaka na lang uli ako. Na-alala ko yong kanta. Alam ko pambata to. Pero, bata na rin isip ko. Pede na to.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder!

May you never take one single breathe for granted.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.

Whenever one door closes, another one opens.

Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance.

Never settle for the path of least resistance.

Living might mean taking chances but they’re worth taking.

Loving might be a mistake but it’s worth making.

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance.

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance? I hope you dance.

Sapalaran uli! Let me see kung ano meron dito sa pinas. Sipain man ako’t palayasin, kaya ko buhay ko. Pati na mga kaartehan ko. Yes, whenever I get the chance, I will dance. Di ako risk taker in my life, evah, pero si Mike was such a big influence on me, I now take risks na pagtatawanan ninyo.

Kaya tuloy I wonder kung meron syang clone and will I ever find one like him?!

Here’s the song:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxU_7R0fj9g]

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Ormoc’s deadly fire!

I’m pissed and angry! Putangina talaga! Sa buray ka ni ina nyang mga yodiputang an na tagsadiri kan buayang tindahan na an! Dapat kaan sirilabon so kaluluwa!

I saw the footage of the department store on fire in Ormoc City. Here in the Philippines, they show the footage raw! To the bones! I was shocked!

We were all jumping with joy seeing that girl made it out of the building on fire! Walking on top of the roof! On the side of the building, clinging to dear life! That’s what “DON’T QUIT” means! It’s insane! Why in the world did that tragedy happened? That was man-made for God’s sake!

And why is it always like this? They would only do the inspection right after the fire? Right after the tragedy? For what?!

Remember the deadly disco fire in Manila? Wasn’t that the same?!

Read this : Ormoc deadly fire prompts gov’t inspection of buildings

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Will I ever find one like him again? (Part 2)

Read Part 1

Part 2

Inside the car, I was crying like you could not have imagined. Dati naman kasi, pahikbi hikbi lang ako. (Beaaa! Paki-abot nga nang panyu!!!) I mean this time? Uma-atungal ako! Hagulhul evah evah! Kumakalog ang kotse ko while I cry! Flooded na pati passenger’s side. Meanwhile, “I hope you dance!”? pa ang nyetang radyo!? Ini-off ko sya! Tigil!!! Tumigil ka!@#$% *hinampas ko nang sibuyas* (ewan ko ba’t me sibuyas sa kotse ko! *kamot ulo*)

Then I heard? a knock! knock who’s there?! I looked and it was the security guard!

R ? nopoyon?

Sikyo ? plat hu tayr nyu!

R - Huh?! Tumigil iyak ko. Hinipan ko tires.

Mike and I have so many memorable moments. One of which is this one.

I nevah evah attended any of the xmas parties at work. That pisses him off like crazy! He He He I have a lot of alibi! You need one? I can come up with a dozen!

Eh kasi ba naman, they talk about soccer (nyak!), football (eeek!), association meetings (what?!), golf (ow?), fishing (well, I have a different fishing version! Hello!), etsetera, etsetera, etsetera. None of those are of any interests? for the people, by the people, of the people like me. Ako?! Well, wag na nating pag-usapan. You already know what topic is like Viagra to me.

M ? Get your ass on next week’s party! No more alibis! Enough!

R ” (Iiiik! Sungit!) But Mike….

M - PARTY! I WANT U’R ASS!

R - ‘hokey! *kumudrado muka*

Tinawagan ko sawa ko. Waaaaatttt! Ammmmm buzzzzzzy!!@#$”>buzzzzzzy!!@#$%?

Hudas na asawa kong to! She was in a bar! Alas kwatro nang hapon!

Ah kol u bak! Bar!@#$%^&ng!

Nyeta! Nabagsakan ako nang fone! A little later, tumawag.

Sawako ? Sino na naman inaway mo? Bilisan mo’t me ngumingiti sa akin!

R ? Wala! I need a wife.

Sawako ? Eto na naman tayo! Hanggang stage wife na naman ako! Me pupuntahan ako!

R ? Me utang ka pa sakin.

Sawako ? Puta ka talaga!

R ? Sabado, alas cinko impunto, andito ka sa balay ko. Bar!@#$%^&ng!

I really don’t know if Mike knows something about my royalty. Minsan, we talk about boobshit. Gusto nya pala ala-mayon na boobs. Kaya, sumali ako sa gym. Pump ako nang irons! Pinalaki ko chest ko!?

One time, we were at the gym, I was changing and there was this nude guy standing in front of me at nakikipagwentuhan asking me westions, siguro tumiwalag sa oblation run, and when I look up! Ekkkkk! Hey, Mike! How you doin’? (He He He kala nyo wento ko nakita ko?! wede ba!? nyeta nyo!!!! dutch for my eyes only!!! He He He I love my boss!!!)?

Party Time

Dumating sawako. Hayop! Ang ganda! Naka beemer!? Sha yung? da devil wears prada!? Mukha talagang tao nung napinturahan. Saya ko! And so we drove to the Princeton Marriott Hotel where we were gonna have the party.?

As we drove, I read her Miranda rights.

Maldita. Makinig ka. Eto ang role mo.

Alas dyis ? lovey, dovey tayo. You feed me fud, I feed you fud, I give you drinks, you give me drinks and we laugh. Now, let’s practice the laugh. Hokey? Ha Ha Ha He He He

Halas honse ? kakwadro muka mo, sisimangot ako.

Halas dose ? you? Me? Fight. We are fighting.

Hala una ? Lalayasan mo na ako. Git it?

Halas doz ? Ayokong Makita kalulwa mo here. Intiendicitas?

Sawako ? eh pano kung nag-eenjoy pa ko.

R ? Hindi ka mag-eenjoy. Sisiguraduhin ko yon.

Sawako ? eh wats in diz for me?

R ? Kaltas ko half utang mo.

It was already a bit crowded when we arrived. Mike, the CEO and the rest of the senior management were by the door. Sinong kinasal? Ganito yata sila. They greet everyone na pumasok dun sa lagusan na yon. Mike was smiling when he saw me. Sinimangotan ko. Natawa sya.

M - You look good!

Kinudrado ko muka ko. Humagalpak nang tawa.

M - And this is???

R - Oh, that’s sawako. Sawako, Mike. Mike, sawako.

Mike was impressed of her!

Inggit opismeyts ko. Ganda sawako. Sarap nang feeling when everybody is jealous! Ha! Ha! Ha! So, we are proceeding very well with our roles. You know she feeds me, I feed her, she gives me drink, I give her drink. Checked! The laugh? Very well choreographed! Double checked!

Then, nawala ang maldita! Teka, wala pa ala-una ah! Mag-aaway pa kami! Aba! Katsika nang ulangya ang Mike! Tok sila nang tok! Pa-smile smile and todong halakhak! Nilalait kaya nila ako?!

Alas dose na!

Nag-ala una na!

!@#$%^&*! Inaway ko na talaga syang tunay! Ang sawako, nabangag nang tequila! Ayaw na umalis! Hu Hu Hu Sawako lumayas ka na! Plisss! Nakikiusap ako! You go girl! You GOOO!!!

Dumating ang Mike.

M - We’re leaving in a few minutes. Here’s the direction ?I’ll met you there! Bring her with you!

R - Huh? Ano to? What and where? Annnnddd HER???!!!

Nakangiting aso sawako!

M ? Don’t ask! Don’t tell! Get your ass over there!

Kahit kelan! Sungit sungit nito sakin! OO NA NGA! He smiled. So we drove. Directions took us to Trenton. It was a really nice Italian Restaurant. I was with the management team for another drinking party.

They always say ? don’t shit where you work. Huh? Ang guguwapo talaga nang mga opismeyts ko! Wedeng exception to the rule? And this Jim guy? Awww! He’s hot!

Whereas my wife is having such a grand time! More tequila please! Wes, I was enjoying my time as well. Ah with somebody. No, not Mike. He He He My sawako and I were seated together, magkatabi kami. As the hours go by, uma-atras yung mga upuan namin. Until, andun na kami in separate tables! Sa lasing nang sawa ko! Naibulatlat nya ang tunay na laman nang kalulwa ko!!! Pinagmayabang pa!

Driving home dun pa lang namin nagawa’t tapusin yung dapat naming gawing mag-away. Nag-ngi-ngitngit ako!

R - You’re not invited to any of our office parties no more!!!?. VROOM! VRRRRROOOOMMMMMMMM!!!

Crying Area

The secretary went to my office. Bukas daw viewing. Sama na lang daw ako sa kanila. They knew I was a freak nong mabalitaan ko kasi. They were concerned na baka lumangoy ako sa Hudson River. The VP-Admin and her husband the Gen. Counsel were very nice to me.

There were a lot of people sa viewing. Me mga dyitims, but I was the only aboridyinis. Soon as I saw him I started crying and I couldn’t control the cry shit! I did not realize na me crying area pala! Ba! Malay ko! Nakatunganga ang madla saakin! Siguro tinatanong nila kung sino ang siokoy na yon! The mother came to me and walked me to the well crying room. The father saw the mother and he joined me there. Dumating din ang wife. All of them were trying to console me. Nag-mistula akong concubine! And Diwa?! I was not paid to do that. Hokey?

Ang Multo

A day later, he was laid to rest.

Weeks piktapos nang everything, I must have visited Mike four times! Minsan, ako lang. There was a time na mag-isa lang ako, kumalog nang kumalog ang trunk nang kotse ko!

R - Mike! Wag mo akong gaganituhin?!

Kalog pa rin nang kalog! Natawa na lang ako. But I swear, medyo natakot ako. But then, nong natakot ako, nawala yung noise. I told the VP-Admin, ayaw maniwala. Tawa nang tawa! A ewan!

I swear, wala namaing tao dun, maniwalaaaa kayooo!!!. May I light a candle and leave it there. Yong mga anak naman nya would pour coffee sabi nang wife. That’s why I thought I smell coffee there! My last visit was in 2004 before going home to Manila. Then, hindi na ako bumalik.

Back in Princeton

Samantala naman, sa tarbahu sumtin’s going on..

Remember Pidro? Toktok sya office ko and and told me, you’ll be fine. After he left, I stared at the window and I could hear it YOU’LL BE FINE?. No ibig sabihon non? Something’s gonna happen and I’ll be fine? But he is Pidro?

Nagmistulang Afghanistan ung opis namin. Nakaron nang some sort of re-alignment of forces?. Nag-a-away away na pala na parang sa senado nang flippines. Ganito ang awayan nila:

“pokemon! uta ka! sama ka sa EYE SEE DID PIPOL! kurap! tae mo! diploma ko harbard! san? sa cubao? kikipedia! pediamurin! swapang! kaw tong aswang! supot! nanilip ka!? tado! anong sisilipin e sex chengz ka! emonyu ka talaga! butiki! udaz ka rin!”

Mike’s gone kaya the COO position is open. Daming gusto nang upuan nya. Ung president nang advertising division namin na byaning is fighting for that position. Kasama na ung general manager nang radio division namin. Well, sama mo na si Pidro. Matindi ang labanan. Puro mga puti. Sa totoo lang, subtle lang sila. Pa-smile, smile, pa “hi”, “hi” pero kwidaw day! hayop tumigbak nang tao ang mga yan!

Weeks passed tatlo sa Sales ang pinalayas. Kasama na ung senior sales manager. Then, pinag-alsa balutan ako’t nilipat sa Realty Division namin. Lateral chance daw! Whatever! Eh bakit nag-hire sila nang bago sa posisyon ko? Kagagawan pala nang bagong COO na hindi pa nirerecognize! !@#$%^&*, ganun ang galit ko!

Den, biglang nag-resign ang byaning na president! Nagkakagulo na opis. Daming rumors. Meanwhile, yong GM nang radio naming, nilipat sa advertising at ginawang President. Di rin? nya gusto yon! Low profile eh!? Ganito ang galit nya: !@#$%^&*,!

So, looks like si Pidro mananalo… Wrong! Ganito din ang galit nya: !@#$%^&*,!

Nag-hire nang ibang COO ang CEO. You would think na tapos na ang gulo? Nah.

Nagbitbit nang sarili nyang team ang hudas na COO. Result? Tuluyan nang natanggal ako as CFO. Dalwang linggo bago ko magradweyt nang MBA, gi-tawag man ko sa opis. I knew that I was going to be a VP dahil sa ganda ko. Pero, piktapos akong palayasin? ilipat nang ibang pisina?, my feelings were mixed, but, excited pa rin ako about this meeting.

The CEO and the new COO was there. Soon as I entered the room, the COO left. I smelled something fishy Bea!!! Isda Bea!! Issdddaaa!!!!

The CEO opened his mouth and did not clap his hands:

“You may start looking for a new job. You have another 2 weeks to stay with us, you can leave early if you want.”

… (Continued on Part 3)…

Viewed 202 times by 108 viewers

We were all going to BED, (On the turd day op krismas!)

Eye wander what Joey’s doing now??Said bababa daw sya nang bundok ngayon. Wala namang tawag. Hmmmm… Baka nag-enjoy sa bundok? Back to bed… I slept the whole day… kulog man ulo ko ‘day from last night!

Morris, on the other hand, is like one of the nurses here who is excitedly praning sa date namin mamya!?He’s been using my airtime minutes at talagang di mapakali ang gurl! We are going to BED! Yeah! We are! My “O”, my “J”, Morris and his friend! In BED. All of us.

M - Reynz(!) what time we’re meeting? 10?

R - Gurrrl(!) i have a tight schedule tonite. Ahhh….(teka lang ha??azan secretary ko?! appointments ko azan?! ayuzin mo yan kundi pakainin kita nang flurwax!)?Shangrila at 8, Mall of Asia, Airport then our date in Malate. What about 11 or 12? Or maybe even earlier?

I picked up my “O” and we head off to Shangrila.?Ang guapo nya lord! An swit-swiit! Masaya an lola ninyo when we’re tugider!?But?you see, my darling “O” has a sikret. He has a gurpren! Waaa… Waaaa…. HUWAAA!!! Yeap,?nyeta talaga nya! He confided this to me nong sang gab-i. Nong kami?eh nag-ja-jack-en-poy. They’ve been dating for years now.?He said blah blah blah chienes chienes chuvalinga chuvalais. Ahhhhh…. hokey. Read: Tigilan mo na ako Reyna (!) Read ba nang ego mo?! (Damot nito! Hmppt!). Prends na lang tayo. You have any idea kung gano kasakit yon kuta? KUTTAA! Ansaaakkkiiitttt!!!

FAYN! Prends kung prends!!!

So we drove to Shangrila… warning nga ni Momnibochok - traffic evah evah dito, at habang naka-park ang kotse namin sa gitna nang EDSA, there were these kids na kakatok nang kotse mo… “Sir…meri krismas ho!”… Nangisay yata kalulwa ko (!)… he he he, I mean, here I am, alang ginawa alak-lalaki at alak - and you see these kids…

So, I handed down about 50-peso coins. EEEEEEEEEKKKK! Dagsaan ang mga bata!!! Saan nanggaling ang mga mokong nato?! Nag-multiply!!! Me kumakatok din dun sa kabila!

After handing down another 50-peso coin siguro, kumakalembang naman sa side ko! ANOOOTOOOO!!!! Alis na nga tayo! Vrroom vrroomm!

Can you imagine kung mga hunks yon at mga tiga-Adonis yung kumakatok sa kotse ko? I mean, kung si Vinicius Nival yon, ewan ko lang! Baka pati titulo nang condominium ko binigay ko!!! Yong lupa namin sa bikol? Sanla ko pa!

Over at Shangrila…

my dear “O” introduced me to his gurl.

O - Gurl, this is Reynz. Reynz this is gurl.

R - (Hmmptt! In fairness, maganda sya! *simangot*) Hi! nice meeting yah!

O, tama na! Lika na! Hmmptt! (Actually, she’s a very sweet, beautiful young lady. He He He. I don’t mind my “O” with her. Really. Hu Hu Hu!)

On our way, ah-told “O” - ano pa ba kulang sakin at meron ka pang gurl? Pinag-aral kita nang narsing! Binigyan nang load! Gipadalhan ug balikbayan baks! Ano fa?!

O - gusto mo bang isa-isahin ko ang kulang sau?

R - wag na! vrroom (!) VRROOMM (!)

We picked up “J” and we’re now headed to Malate. I am going to BED with O, J, Morris and his friend. You see, BED is a hot, I mean - really hot dance club in Malate. Dun kami go karon gabi-i.

But Morris called: Hey! Reynz! It’s a bit early! Can we go somewhere else before going to BED? Sure! Let’s head off to Greenbelt! It’s a really cool place to be!

We got lost inside the Greenbelt Square. Ihing ihi pa naman kamiiiii!!! So, we saw this komport room na open! Daretso kaming pasok! Do you see the sign? It’s the ladies room! Nag-ta-ta-lak ang lady guard! Rapist daw kami! I was gonna tell the lady guard! Don’t you smell sumtin’ from me sweety?!

Yup, pati yong dalwa binitbit ko sa Ladies Room! 

Anyway, we didn’t find the place! Morris and his friend have to pick us up at Italliani’s, and then we head back to Starbucks Coffee.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s34U1XZ70Kc]

Pipol! Let me tell you sumtin’! This place is awesome! Di va? Need I say more after watchin’ da video? Walang ganito sa Philly, hokey?! WALLLA! I love this place! It’s fun!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXY50kSRLjo]

So now, you saw my “J”. He’s ahh… tres beau! Kaso, he - like “O” has a gurpren. Hmmpt! Sya, di ko pinag-aral nang nursing. Pinag-shopping ko sya. So, I said - “J”  Y U not answer fone wen I col? Aber? Banas daw sya. Yong last na cheke na pinadala ko, tumalbog. I-aakusa daw nya akong estafa. KUTTTAAA!!! I need a lawyer!!!

Ok. Ok. Ok. To talaga totoo. Bespren ko lang talga ang dalwang yan. As bespren, eye lab them both. Both are close to my heart. Is that acceptable enough?! Can we move on wid diz story telling a lie?

Well, bekoz dami local and international aboridyinis here, we thought, hummm… let’s not go to BED na lang. Let’s stay here.  So, off we went to the other end. It’s a bar called CENA.

This is their menu…

Eh, ung alak list kasi sa likod ‘alang logo kaya baka akala nyo inu-ulol ko rin kayo! So, type naming mag-vodka, right?

R - Wetress… do you have grey goose?

W - Wala po. Meron po kami fried chicken.

R - Inu-ulol mo ba ako?!

W - Naku, hindi ho! ‘ala talaga kaming goose na kahit na anong kulay dito!

R - Fine. Give us, 3 vodka and cranberry and 1 lite beer (sa aking “O”).

I knew from experience that most Manila’s bar, even the high-end ones have no friggin idea how to do mixed drinks, or at least, I have yet to run a bar like that! Aboridyinis here? They’re used to beer. Beer. BEERRR! BEEEEEERRRRRR!

Dutch Y, this vodka cranberry? Taste like cranberry and woootah. A lot of wooootaaah. Woootang-ina! Two thumbs down from Morris!

So, why don’t we try gin and tonic? Sounds good?

Gin and tonic arrived. Guess? It’s gin and moooore woooootttaaah. A lot of wooootaaahh! Woootang-ina again! Meanwhile, ang Morrisya napansin ko, nainis! Omorder nang pulang alak!

Well, shot na lang tayo nang tequila. So, tequila is it!

We must have had a dozen tequila shots at etong Morrisya omorder naman this time nang puting alak. Aktwali, bangag na ako. Tingin ko mukhang ihi. At dahil puro woootaah and mixed drinks, we decided to stick with cranberry and woootaah and more shots of tequila.

Result?!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOJnTZUFZRk]

(Oi, me permiso ako ki morriya nito ha?)

Let me tell you sumtin. Paris? Yah… muganda sya! But this place?! Da best! London? Yah… been there! Di kasing saya dito! hokey? Tokyo? Eh ni hindi nga ngumiti sayo ang mga kolokoy sa Shinjuko District bars no? This is IT! No matter what they say about my own turd world kawntri? Masaayaaa ditoooo!!! That’s why diz plezzz is soooo crowded with a lot of local and international aboridyinissss!!!

So… let’s all GET UP! STAND UP! STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AcqREtIAqQ]

Mary? Did you know?! All those for only… tadannnggg!!! 

Mary? Did you know some more?! We had such a great time!! Ang Morrisya actually forgot whatever happened dun sa guy na binitbit nya! Ha! Ha! Ha! Where could he be? Morris! Azan na ang boy mo? Zan mo tinapun gurl? Instead? Morris is busy…

I mean… really busy!

Unfortunately, Morris payrents are strict! May I call ang mom and she send in the driver to pick him up!

Den, my fone got bombarded with a lot of MORRISAGES!

M - fkrrr! I am jealous!!! I hate you! I hate you a lot! I hate you more!!!
R - That’s normal gurl. Ebribadi is jealous of me.
M - I want J!!! I want his smile!
R - For a fee. He’s my product.
R - Morris?! Can you hear me now?! You still there gurl?! *tok*tok* Hmmm…

Viewed 148 times by 74 viewers

In fairness (!) On the second day op krismas!

Piktapos naming rumampa sa Remedios - pero take note(!), in fairness (why is this damn word used like crazy here?!) nagsimba kami! hokey? Nag-banal kami! Tandaan!

In fainess! In fairness! In fairness! I hear it on the radio! On TV! Sa moll, dito sa condo! What is going on in fairness? In fairness is what? What is in fairness? What is going on with pinoys in fairness? My fairness godmother?! Who in the kikipedia world invented in fairness?! I hear a lot of english speekers here. In the moll, in da tsarts, everywhere in fairness. And I know who’s aboridyinis and who’s a foreign germ. In fairness. Aw ambot!

In fairness… “On the second day of krismas, my pers lab came to me!” Tadannggg!

Nakausap na to ni Chris… eto yong aking pers lab noon pa. He He He Pinag-aral ko sya nang nursing. Kaso ayaw eh. Nagtapos sya nang semen. Kaya we don’t see each other often. Although, sabi nya, he’s gonna be home right around the time nang pag-uwi ko. Bait nya. Samahan daw nya ako sa San Pablo… hokey! He He He

“Guapo nya reynz!” Sabi nang Joey. “Akin na sya!” Kausapin mo! Sabi ko. Yong haba nang drive ko to San Pablo, ewan ko kung ano ang naging negotiashun.

Eh dahil ayokong uminom nang tubig sa turd world, dahil I have experienced being sick all the time na andito ako, sabi nang aking “O”, daan ka dyan. Yan na lang ang inumin mo baka magkasaki ka na naman! OOOOooooooo! Inggit kayo di ba?!

Eeeeekkkkk! Etong babae ang naging hospitable samin!

Ate naman! Hindi ho kami patutuli, ibaba nyo po yong bolo! Wala po kaming away! Wala! Walaaaaaaaa!!!

Eto ang aking “O”…

Tingnan nyo naman ang pagkain nang reyna…

Masarap sya. Kaso para syang binaliktad na breast implant?!

Tagal nang byahe, inabot din kami nang treize horas. Dun kami dumaan sa gilid nang Mt. Banaue at Mt. Makiling. Feeling ko tuloy ako’y isang engkantada!!!

Tuloy, nangawala kami! Ang Joey kasi - ang alam ang mapa nang Italy at hindi yong bayan nila! So, we took the Pagsanjan route, bigla kaming ini-stop nung mga tourist hackers daw ang mga yon. Nagkunyari na lang kaming locals. Sabi ko, papunta kaming San Pablo. As in nasa gitna sila nang daan, humarang! Sobrang kaba ko! Yong maid namin is from Pagsanjan who told me na mga holdapers daw yun, kaya there are not that many tourist going to Pagsanjan. Ewan ko. I haven’t been there, at sa experience ko? Wizz, may I go back na lang ako sa Remedios Circle!

After a long and winding road! Dumating din kami sa St. Paul City. Magaling talaga ako mamili nang prend. Look!

Anak pala sya nang doktor?! Hmm…. Joey… yong mga sinabi ko noon sayo na hindi kanais-nais pakinggan? Hmmm.. binabawi ko na! Sori ha?

Kumatok at nag-ring kami dun sa bakal na pintuan! Me lumabas… this must be Joey 50 years fast forward! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ang Joey, ayaw buksan nang pintuan ni daddy. An tagal tinitingnan. Pakinggan kaya natin usapan nang mag-ama!

D: Sino kaya ang kolokoy na to?

J: Dad, si Joey ho to! Pakibukas nang pintuan!

D: Joey? Guapo anak ko. At lalaki sya. Bakit me kapa ka? Sino ka? Si Darna?

J: Dad, buksan nyo! Anoba?

D: Me cedula ka ba? Passport? Visa? Dala mo ba birt certifikeyt mo?

J: Dad!!! ( Nagti-tili na ang Joey! Ooo… kung alam nyo lang magalit tong kebigan namin?! Talo pang pagsabog nang Maryang Makiling!) - Ayun, binuksan. Dinala sa coercion and harassment.

Ambait nang pay-rents nang Joey. Duda ko adopted ang Joey. Say nyo? Hinoldap ko ang mommy ni Joey nang sandaan. Tumatakbo kasi kami sa superhighway na walang dalang piso. Me toll pala dun? Eh kasi ba naman kagabi naubos ang anda namin!

Umalis na kami nang aking “O”. This time, we took the highway papuntang menila. Ladies and Gentlemen, eto po ang itsura at counterpart nang New Jersey Turnpike.

Pagod na pagod and reyna! So, I slept the whole day today. Hanggang sa susunod na issue mga diwata ko! Medyo mata-trapik na naman kami dito!

Tumawag ang Morrisya. He’s at Ayala-Alabang! Me balay pala ang loka dun! Can you believe my prends? Ang galing galing kong mamili nang besprends!!! Tandaan ang formula! Ritz prends = besprends. He called right around 1:00 am! Akala ko, I was having nightmares! He He He Galing sya nang London and Singapore, before heading to Manila. Ang loka at dyitsetter!

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I really love it here! (On the 1st day of Xmas!)

After unloading all of our boxes and luggages at the condominium, Joey and I decided to drive around. This was around 2:30 or 3:00 am! Eh, di naman kami makatulog eh!

So we drove to… 

(Sori po Nanay, hindi ko kayi iniinsulto! SomLangit nawa kalulWa nyo! Sori po Ma!)

Yeap… an lugar nang mga phuta. He He He Lahat nang klase nang mga phuta. HA HA HA Dito naglipana ang mga kabit nang buwaya. Yong mababa ang lipad ba? Daming tumitingin sa min. Minsan pinara yong kotse ko nang gurl. HA HA HA O, Joey, pare? Kakana ba tayo? Hindi mo maipinta ang nguso nang Joey. “Biro lang anokaba?!”

Me nakita kami sa kalye. Dun mismo sa tapat nang simbahan nang aming nakilala naming si Chuva. Eto ang nakita namin. Di naman sya Maytag oven. Di naman Whirlpool.

Eto ang binili nang Joey. BIBINGKA. Dun lang kami kumakain sa kalsada. Sa klaseng pangkaraniwan. An sarap maging pangkaraniwan! Litol things? Saya na namin! Ambabaw nang aming needs and feeds.

Pero ayoko nang hotel nang isang pangkaraniwan. Nagkalat sa lugar na to ang mga guests na naka-check-in sa hotel pangkaraniwan. Eto ang itsura nang hotel - fully booked sila ngayong gabi:

Kumakalembang yong simbahan! Taka kami?! ‘las treize na ah! “Mamang pulis! Ano po meron sa kumakalembang na simbahan?

Sagot pulis:

DisYIMBri ngayon. Pasku. Yong kampanang nag-iingay? Simbang gabi. KELANGAN PA BANG IMI-MORAYZ YAN?!

‘Tantadong pulis na yon! Di ko kinunan nang litrato ang kumag na yon! Eh baka ma-weng weng ako dito. Andito kami sa tapat nang Aristocrat. Nangi-ngi-kil yata ang mga lintek na to. Me mga hawak na resibo. Bawat park mo, trenta-singko! Totoo ba to?!

Anyway: Lika. Sumbong na lang natin sa Lord.

Pumasok kami ni Joey. Feel ko, medyo uminit katawan ko. Di naman ako umusok. Dasal… (bigay nyo na po mga kahilingan ko…sana yumaman na ako… sana ma-meet ko na ang aking sugar daddy… sana mag namber wan ako sa pinoytopblogs… at sana yong mga readers ko eh mag-click nang mga sponsors ko. amen!)

Madali lang kami. Tagalog kasi ang sermon. Di ko maintindihan. Eye waz born en da YuEs. Eye dun anderstand talagog. Although, piktapos nang sermon? Palakpakan sila!!! Ikaw na nasermonan? Papalakpak ka pa? Hmmm… anong anomalya to?!

Lika na nga!

We strolled along the street of Malate. Daming klase talaga nang mga phuta dito. Babae… ambabata… lalaki… ambabata…siguro mga dos anyos pa lang ang mga to! Daming mga vaklitas! Dami ding mga mamasan! Marami ding magaganda! At mga waaapooooo! Ohhh!

We stopped by a bar. Dun kami sa labas.

R - “Joey, eye want to be seen! Dun tayo sa labas! Gusto ko pinapansin ang lola mo!”

J - “Kumbakit kasi iniwan ang prozac!”

Joey had red wine. Uhuh! Sosyalera tong kasama ko. Moi? Heinekin. We talked. A lot. Nilait lait namin mga kebigan namin sa Philadelphia. Nilait namin si Chris, si Tomas, si Jellicoe, si Gil, si Teddy, si Lee, si Diwa pati si Chuva, pati nga si Kuta at Bea nilait na rin namin. Si Junsy, si Gene, walang nakalibre sa mga panlallait namin.

Meanwhile, little did we know that there were four guys on the other table who noticed how tastefully beautiful, iresistingly classy kaming dalwa. They were wearing some motorcycling drama. Yun ang custome nila. Maganda naman mga bikes. Mukhang talagang hindi sya di-pedal. I could see na gumagamit nang trenta-singkong litro nang gas.

One guy smiled. *Blush*Ako ba*?!

R - Joey, nakita mo? nakita mo?

J - OO! Kanina pa yan. Di ko alam kung sino satin.

Deadma. Tuloy ang panlalait namin ni Joey. Check namin sa listahan kung sino pa ang hindi namin na-touch. Then… a little later… Lumapit si guy who’s not in a costume:

NOT IN COSTUME: Sir, gusto lang po kayong makilala ni “Ian Bautista”.

J & R (Chorus): Ah, okey.

R - sino sya? artista ba sya? anak ba sya nang WKCP? (well-known corrupt person)?

J - ma’!

All four of them are lookin’ at us! He He He Nawawal na yong attention deficit syndrome ko! Feel na feel ko na mukhang isa dito eh naakit nang aking kagandahan! Yeeehhaa! Maganda talaga ako!!!

Someone from the group approached us! Den,

“Hi, I’m Ian”

And I’m reynz and this is Joey

Chika chika chuvalinga den we had this one minute interview get to know: where do you live? how old are you? are you working? what do you do? you come here often? sino sila? ow? you like us? me? ow? true? ow! feed me more! say it wid feelings! eye reli, reli like honest people. Eto sya:

“Kin eye hab yur namber?”

Teka…. ako ba ang tinitingnan nito? Ko ba kinakausap nito? Hmmm..

With an american accent: 

“Ow, sorry, I don’t have any number nor phone as of yet. But I’m getting one tomorrow”.

Tinawag nya ang wetress. Ask sya nang monggol. Tsik-tsik-chika-tsik! And he gave this one to me:

More chika chika that we’ll meet there somewhere at a time where we could have some orgazm. He He He Mga GAGA! Chika lang un! Di yon ang pinag-usapan namin!

It’s almost 5:00am now!

We started driving back to the condo.

Singing…

“On the pers day of krismas… I think Ian will lay on me!……”

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I think I’m gonna love it here!

How come nobody told me?! Na bawal pala ang martilyo?! Tuloy si Reyna ay na-investigate! Mabuti na lang I told the immigrate that I brought da damn shit by friggin’ mistake!

So… delay ang aming byahe at 9am… eto kami nakatunganga waiting for the 10:15am flight…

Nakaupo… nag-mamasid sa kapaligiran ko:

Bring your own food na ba dito?! Kelan pa to nangyari?

Hmmppp! Check ko lang pasaporte ko! Baka mamya me imperdibli dito!

Hulaan nyo, who’s (Joey at Reyna) reading what?!

I know, your guess is as good as everybody. That’s how notorious I am now.

Wow! Two of my most admired people on earth! I like Obama! The audacity of hope! I  love Hillary, too! I want Obama to the next President! I want Hillary to be the next President, too! Ako kaya?!

But are they ready? Coz we are!

Announcement! Flight 327 bound for Detroit is now ready for boarding on Gate A6. Please proceed to the boarding gate area. At the moment, we are pre-boarding row numbers 1 to 4.

J - Reynz, tara na! Tinawag na tayo.

R - (the ever-loving subject) tara! Sunod ako!

Ticket Counter - As you might have heard it, your row number were not called in yet. Yours is 23 and 24! (Maldita ang hitad!) Tumakbo kami ni Joey sa sulok sa sobrang hiya!!! Sinisi ko si Joey! “Ano ka ba? Iba ang wan to foor sa twenti foor anu?! Nakasimangot ang Joey! “Wag ka nang maingay!” Sabi nang Joey. Eh, prehas kaming napahiya eh!

Flight 327 is ready for boarding. You may all board now.

Ano ka mo? Wala nang linya linya? Eh bakit tayo pina-alis kanina? AMBASTOS NA MALDITANG announcer na yan!

R - Gusto mo bang sabunutan ko’t ingud-ngud ang nguso nang tikbalang na yan?

J - Gusto mo bang weng-weng ang sakyan mo pabalik sa Philadelphia?!

Sya na nga. Di na ko umimik. Wasok us. Fly-lalush! At last nakarating din kami nang Detroit with at least an hour to kill.

So, stop by muna kami dito.. to have coffee and moi? to smoke..

After burning my apdo over at Fox, we headed to look for something to eat. We followed a lot of Japanese guy, so we ended up at Makodonoradu. Can you feel the welcome drama nila?

Dito na lang tayo! Nakasulat tagalog eh! Kaya lang ano to? Consultant nila siguro tiga Flippines. Nag-teks na lang sa kanila.

Then,

Flight 71 bound for Nagoya, Japan is now ready for boarding. This flight will continue to Manila, Philippines. To those who needs special assistance in boarding, please proceed to the gate and…

Aba! Dagsaan sa gate!!! Unahan!!! Even though hindi pa sila tinatawag?! What happened here?!

Eh di ano pa nga ba! Nakipagtulakan kami ni Joey! Mantakin mo yon! If I were the announcer? I think I will do a much better job in organizing these people! Ganito ang gagawin nang Reyna. Makinig kayo.

(Magti-ti-li ako!) Punyeta kayo! Sinabi nang tatawagin ko ang pwede nang pumasok at hindi ko sinabing lahat nang mga pwet nyong mga tikbalang kayo eh ipasok niyo sa pagkaliit liit na lagusang to!$%^! Ano ang hindi ninyo naiitindihan?! ANOOOO!!!! NOW! Let me repeat! Only f@#%^&ng rows 40 to 60 can now board the aircraft! Line up! March! MARCH! LEFT! LEFT! LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT!

Di ba mas maganda pag ganun?

Nag-martsa kami as directed. Dito sa aming lugar na ang tawag eh:

Opo. Dito kami, sa klaseng pangkaraniwan. Papasok kami sa lagusan. At pag nakita namin ang aming mga salong-pwet, dun na lang kami uupo.

Madami naman palang pagkain dito sa klaseng pangkaraniwan, akala ko bring your own food….

Wala talaga kaming ginawa lumamaon…

At lumamon…

Piktapos, natulog na lang ako… nang natulog…

Finally, dumating din kami nang Menila.

Me kumakanta pang mag-we-welcome sayo!

Den… Repeat nang incident sa Detroit!

Eto kami ngayon sa Immigration!

Me nakikita ba kayong linya?! Ha Ha Ha WALLLLAAA!!! Isaksak mo lang ang kaluluwa mo anywhere! Nagmistula kaming mga refugees na galing pa lang bumaba nang boat!

OFW? That’s just for display! Eh mga hapon at mga puti, dun ko nakitang nagsasaksakan eh! Wala ding linya dyan!

Me yellow line dun sa immigration officer, di ba? Kelangan wag kang lalapit para naman me privacy yong taong nauna sa yo.

Well, BAWAL ANG LUMAGPAS SA LINYANG YELO NA YAN! Pag lumagpas ka! Kukurutin  namin singit nyo! Well? Look! He He He

HA HA HA I LOVE PINOYS! Hell hath no rules!!!

Kaya tuloy, it’s total chaos!!! HA HA HA

EYE EM IN MY TURD WORLD KAWNTRI!

I think eye em gonna lurrvvveee it here! Ha Ha Ha

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Merry Christmas! (with updates)

I love this song. Every year, I don’t care how many times I hear the music, it still makes my eyes misty… There are a lot of memories that flies in my brain whenever I hear this one…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZcVA9klMjY]

I miss A family coz I got a dysfunctional one. I still wish that someday that dysfunctionality will go away. Although, I got a family amongst all my friends…dami nila to name, but special mention si Joey, eh libre pasahe no?! Chris, noba? kelan uli red wine chuva? tsaka salamat sa fudd! Bugs, salamat sa regalo! Gil, Lee and Teddy, salamat sa kusina nyo! Next time, pwede ba, magsaing naman kayo? Jun - kelan ka uli magkakakusina? Nina, sawa ko, pedeng magbitbit neks time na nasa kusina moko? Tomas! di ka pa nangi-ngimbita ha! Jellicoe, tapos na party maghanap ka na nang trabaho!

I miss Mike. The best boss I’ve ever ran across.

I miss Jeff. Me gurpren na sya.

To all my readers, maligayang pasko senyong lahat! Thanks at many many thanks for a reversed role that happened to me and that’s a lot of thanks to Kuta and Cat for being my Reyna Elena! You all will know… I will post what happened when I get back.

Thanks to Euleh nga pala pati si Jozzua at Eric Galvin, eto yong mga unang tumulong at nagsuknong nong bahay ko nong ako’y nasisimula sa blogger, especially yong pasensyosong si Euleh, yong bida nang entrepenoys. AH… PAREs.. AAH… DAMING SALAMAT…

Thanks to Bea, Momnibochok, Diwa, Chuva and Flip for making me a total flip all the times. Kelangan natin yon. Smile and the world smiles and honestly, I am really enjoying this blogging because timang na timang na ako!!! Eh kahit ako nag-iisa nau-ulol na yata ako nang kakatawa eh!

Thanks to all my nurses! Bromsmo, kaw Sergeant of Arms! I hope you all pass the nursing board! Thanks to all my CPA’s, I hope you people are gainfully employed now ano?! Thanks to all my seamen? (reyna, pasko ngayon… wag kang mag-iisip nang masama!) Syan, thanks to all my seamen… and to everyone else who are leaving a lot of comments. I hope next time, you all send your pictures!

Yong mga estudyante ko who visits this site, to all pinoys around the world visiting this site! Mabuhay kayo!

Eggsited talaga akong umuwi sa aking pinakamamahal na turd world kawntri! I can’t wait na makahalubilo ko ang aking fellow aboridyinis, brown n smart n short!

Pinapagalitan ako nang Joey. Sabi “Hoi! Maglalakad ka sa likuran ko! At wag mo akong kakausapin sa eroplano!” Hmm.. alam nyo ba kung bakit????

Mary? Mary! Did you know? Eto… Look: Taddaaannngg!

Mary! Here’s another one! Eto pa…. dadannnggg!!

Wala akong maleta! Nada! Zit! Zip! Ang bibitbitin ko eh dalwang karton at ang aking handbag. Dun ko lalagay undies ko. Kung ano ang suot ko? Yon lang ang bitbit ko. O… diva?? KARTOOOONNNNN!!!! 

Kaya ang Joey, umuusok ang nguso! Samsonite kasit bitbit nya. Hmmppt! Sa totoo lang, ganun ako dati! Kasi nahihiya ako maging pinoy! Ayoko dati magbitbit nang karton!!!

Aktwali, pa-ingles ingles pa ako! Kaso, alam nang mga estuwadres na Eye Did Nat Gro Ap In Da Esteyts. Futah talaga! Hirap maging aboridyinis!

Bukas pa uwi ko no?! Mierkoles dito sa merika, Hubes sa Pinas.

At yong mga walang puknat na kakatingin nang mga nube pulgadas dun sa kabilang post! Wede ba! Magsipagdasal kayooooo! Baka binabarbekyu na mga kalulwa nyo! Yeeeee!!!

Anyways…

Excited na akong umuwi talaga! Dami gusto kong makita!

Gusto kong makita si Julius yong aking amiga na tiga Ayala Alabang. Sana nagbago na sya kasi hinuhulog nya sa hagdan ang katulong nya at pinapakain nang flur-wax. Sana meron na ring pakwan…. Kanta kayo…. “Mary did you know?…”"

Gusto kong makita si Eto at Kriselda. Noon kasi, nong maliit pa kami at hindi pa butanding si Kriselda, ninanakaw namin ang mga babolgam na paninda ni Aling Karing. Get nyo bakit I started using babolgam? He He He — kanta kayo… “Mary did you know?????”…

Gusto kong ring umuwi sa bayan namin. Sino kaya ang pari dun ngayon? Bakla na naman kaya? (Ooopss! Ung dila ko!) Hmmm… Well, noon kasi, nong sakristan pa tong Benjie na to na naging matalik kong kebigan, at nag-weekend yong mga tiga-Aquinas sa bayan namin, ninakaw namin ang mga ilang sakong ostya at wine sa simbahan at ginawa naming pulutan… (kneel… sori po Lord…sori….di po ko me kasalanan…uminom lang po ko, sya ho kumuha di ako! peks man!) …..sing HARDER! “MARY DID YOU KNOW!!!!!”

Merry Christmas!

Reyna

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Congratulations Jellicoe!

Note: MALAKING NOTE: I took the pictures down. Kasi, mali pala ang ginagawa nang Reyna. Kelangan pala hihingi ka nang permiso. Kala ko kasi, dahil Reyna ako, wala nang permi-permiso. Minsan kasi, akala ko,talagang mi kaharian ako. Hmmpt.

Sumulat si Diwa. Nagsecond da motion si Chuva. Chuchugihin daw ako. Dadalhin daw ako sa highest Lesbian Fairy Court. Kasalanan ko ba? Kung puro kudrado mga mukha nila? Kasalanan ko ba? hu hu hu.

(Eto totoo: Ayusin ko pagbalik ko galing sa Menila. Kasi kakausapin ko pa sila.)  Reyna 12/18/06

—————

Saya saya nang parti namin kagabi! Happy gradweyshun nang aking isang diwatang si Jellicoe. Sya eh meron nang BS degree sa Arts Institute of Philadelphia, eskwelahan nang maarteng kariray sa mundo.

Hindi totoo ang tsismis na he gradWAITED Pers Honorable Not Mentioned. Gradweyted talaga sya WID HONORS. Eto sya! Malaki ang kasalanan nitong mokong na to samin! He invited us to the party - BUT NAT RELI. Why? Di kami pinadalhan nang driving directions! Kaya - lahat! lahhhhaattt kami nangawala!!! Andung me nag-da-drive na papuntang dalampasigan! me papuntang nang Delaware! yong isa nasa South Superhighway na papuntang Calamba, yong iba nga andun na sa bundok nang tralala! Sya! Sya ang me kasalanan nang pagkawala-wala namin kagabi! Eh mantok nyo! Pelibhasa madaming pera! Bumili nang bahay na wala pa sa mapa!

We had such fun and it’s really nice meeting people dun sa blog! Na-meet ko ang aking mga diwata! Si Diwatang Byaning dumating. My lesbian fairy is praning. ‘Alang ginawa mag-pakalasing. Pilit ni-lulunod yong sorrows nya sa pagkasibak sa kanya nang amo which is unang biznis nya. Ngek! Eh marunong lumangoy ang sorrow nya! Kaya eto itsura ni Diwa!!!

My friend Jellicoe has friends all over the continental USA, so there are a lot of people from all over the place. Me tiga tsikago, tsaka…tsaka… wala! mga tiga-dito lang! But there’s one from Hollywood! And here’s the paparazzi “no pictures please” shot:

Da’i pagkain! Eh siempre kahit mga sirena karamihan eh malalamon ang mga yan ano?! Siba nga ginagawa nang iba eh! ‘Taz mag-bi-bitbit pa nang mga tira-tira di ba? Eto fuud:

There’s more, pero di ako interesado. Tama na yan. Eto ang aking main interest. Watch:

Ganda di ba? Ohhh! It’s like seeing the seven wonders of the world in 3D! Especially if I see the color of the drinks that makes me salivate! Ohhhh!! Here’s more:

Hik! (am I telling you something here?)… Hmmm.. den I saw these people outside: Kodakkk!

Walking around the house, I chanced upon these guys dun malapit sa pool where they are camp fire’s burning ang dating sa likod. You don’t see it kasi lalaki nan mana pwet mga to!

AHA! I found somebody! Teka, kodak muna! Smile!

Sya si Dyames… ‘wentuhan nga muna tayo Dyames! “Hige! sabi nya! tagay muna!” Cool! Type ko yon! Tomas! lumayas ka nga muna!”

R - Uy musta u?

D - Buti. Kaw?

R - Buti. Tagal din nating di nagkita-kitz di ba?

D - Oo nga. Buti nakarating ka. Di ba pilit kang winawala ni Jellicoe para di ka makating dito?

R - I know! And hudas na yon! Dami tao no? Sari-sari, iba-iba kulay iba-iba sizes.

D - Oo. Parang Walmart. Parang party dun sa bahay mo.

R - Ah… oo… memories… Ala-la ko nga nong nag-li-live-in pa tayo.

D - R, nag-rerenta lang ako nang kwarto sayo. Hindi yon live-in. Nagbabayad ako.

R - Ow? *kamot ulo* Ganon? Tagay…. Ok, well, saya natin non di ba?

D - Oo. Kaya lang di ka marunong magluto puta ka.

R - Kaw naman, di ba nag-candlelight dinner pa tayo minsan?

D - Eh kasi ba naman! Di ba hindi ka nagbayad nang koryente nun, naputulan tayo, kaya candle ang ginagamit natin.

R - Kaw talaga oo! Eh di ba nag-dedate tayo non? ‘tandaan mo dini-neer mo pa ko sa Peste-reeya Uno? Tandaan ko pa yon ah!

D - Ayan ka na naman. Di ba nga, gutom lang ako. Ikaw lang yong pedeng makasama saking kumain. Hindi date yon.

R - Kaw talaga oO! Dyan ka na nga! Kokodak pa ako!

Ei!! How are you?  Waz ur name? “I’m Patrick.”

R - Wer u from Patrick?

P - Well, am from Jersey but I grew up in Makati, Australia, Japan, Jersey City….

R - Wow… you are one moving navigational systems… Come with me, I’m gonna introduce you to my friends…

Mahaba haba rin ang nilakbay namin. Mga ilang pulgada. At aking pinakilala sa mga bangag na mga amiga!

“Ei! EbriWan! Diz is Patrick!”

Handshake handshake! gritti-grettings chika chika chuvalinga! Den Patrick sat in front of us - the crowd and… pakinggan ninyo mga usap-usapan…

P - So, what do you do?

R - *lingon left N right* who me?! well, I s—k. (I could hear from the background: Applause! Applause! Good answer! Good answer!) And you?

P - Well, I am (tangina cute sya!)… and (me syota na kaya sya?) and blah blah blah blah (tagal naman matapos nang answer!)

R - Oh… that’s nice! Must be fun! (kunyaring nakinig!) Sumabat si Jun - “You single Patrick?” (I could hear in the background tumigil ang pulso nang mga amiga ko and me too..)

P - Yeah, I’m single and I like Asians (Ow?! sabay ayos nang buhok - pagpag nang damit - ayos nang face! I could hear in the background: Applause! Applause! Applause!)

GAGA! HINDI APPLAUSE YON! NAGHAHAGIKHIKAN ANG MGA SITENTA ANYOS NA SCHOOLGIRLS!

P - What about you “R”? How many boyfriends do you have?

R - Moi?! Oh! I thought it was just YOU?! (Pointing the finger at him!) Aren’t you my boyfriend?! We’re dating right? We have a long-term relationship! Let me see… for about 30 minutes now?

Shock ang Patricia! Bigla akong niyakap at nag-applause nang nag-applause! Ang crowd? Applause din nang applause.

WHEW! Teka nga! Makalabas nga muna! Eye be bak Patrick!

Brothers! Brothers! Brothers! Kakainggit tong dalwang tooo!

 

Yong isa dyan tiko. Yong isa daretso. But unbelibabol ang samahan nila! Hu Hu Hu Diz iz not fair! Dysfunctional famLI ko!!!

Let me check the other side: Eeekkk! Bangag na ang aking prend!

 

Wala na bang normal na tao ditoooo??!??

 

Ekkkk! Chuva?! Is that you?!

Teka lang… pagod na po ako… hirap maging part time fotographer! Yan po ang report ko nang mga nangyari kagabi. In the meantime, ganito po ang itsura ko nong matapos ang party.

Uwi na ho ako! Au revoir! Magtitiklop pa ho ako nang mga labada.

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Isyu ngayon sa pinas: DAYAper Change

ATTENTION: This topic is filed under BOXING.

Ngayon:

Maupo kayo mga anak ko. Me importanteng sasabihon ang lola ninyo dahil paglaki nyo? Apektado kayo nang kapra-ningan nang mga senador at tongressman ninyo! Me magpapalit nang diaper.

Nakatatak sa  konstitusyon natin ang aspirasyones at mga idealismo nang mga pinoy. (Yeeeeehaaa! Galing nang lola nyo managaloggg!!!) Ibagsak! Ibagsak! AHH BASTAA! Ibagsak! Kahit ano! An saya ko! <— nagiisang humahalakhak!*

Ngayon, tatlong makina lang ang pedeng makapag-oil change, tire rotation (ba’t ba oil change ang napunta sa utak ko?!) o, makapag-amend nang ating mga sinumpaang gintong papel.

(Hoi!: nag-pers year pers sem kalids of low ako sa Jose Rizal College sa Manda! Hokey!)

Una: INIS-yatib nang madlang pipol

O, people’s power nagsimula to! Kaso daming difficulties both legal tsaka logistics. Eh sino fa nga ba ang lalangoy mula Appari hanggang Jolo para lang makakuha nang mega-signature? Besides, pinoy ba naman! Di mo na kelangang pumunta nang Jolo for signature. Dyan lang sa Blumentritt dami na.

Pangalwa: Constitutional Convenshun

Dito ay kung saan ang mga delegado na na-elek nang Comelec ay nagjujumbagan, nagkakalmutan at kung sino ang maton sya ang ma-eelek to draft the resolushun.

Pangatlo: Constituent Assembly.

Ok, refitttt after me: “ang mga delegado na na-elect nang Comelec ay nagjujumbagan, nagkakalmutan at kung sino ang maton sya ang ma-eelek to draft the resolushunn!”

Dito me konting giwang lang. Kasi yong House of Representatives at Senado, sila mismo mag-draft at mag-propose nang font at pink color changes sa Konstitushun. Naintindihan?

Likayo:

Samahan nyoko: Pakinggan natin ang mga nangyayari sa CON-ASS na puno nang mga ASSmen na nag-dede-bati:

“pokemon! uta ka! boto mo puro EYE SEE DID PIPOL! kurap! tae mo! diploma ko harbard! san? sa cubao? kikipedia! pediamurin! swapang! kaw tong aswang! supot! nanilip ka!? tado! nong sisilipin e sex chengz ka! emonyu ka talaga! butiki! udaz ka rin!”

Tara na mga anak! Busy sila sa tra-BAHO(!) nila. Ganyan ang debate anak sa senet flor. “Lola, hirap ba maging politiko?” Hindi anak. Karamihan sa mga yan mga walang pinag-aralan kaya sila ang nana-nalo sa halalan. Kaya tandaan mga anak ang pangaral nang lola ninyo: the more na wala kang ka-alam-alam at wala kang pinag-aralan, the more chances mo na manalo sa halalan. Atsaka payb minutes, magjujumbagan ang mga ‘yan!

Gusto nyo recess muna tayo? Mabigat topic natin eh!

You see, this is a really high flying political insanity discussion on how to drum roll the Philippines back into the dark ages once again, many times around again and again to the 10th power continued unto the next page and ruin the economic progress na kakaramput which we have enjoyed in a little span of months, eh kasi yong ibang months reserve for delubyo! Lahat na yata nang dios pinarurusahan na tayo sa mga kabalbalan nang ating binotong mga gwapo. (ayan ha! sabi ko ga’po!)

Sa totoo lang, di namin pinag-uusapan to sa bundok nang trala-lala!

Ok… kaya tingnan nyo: ilan na sa mga asungot dyan ang pilit na pinapalitan ang Consti natin:

1. Andyan si John Osmena

2. Natandaan ko si Joseph Estrada

3. Si Pimentel - oras oras yata, charter change sya di ba

4. Si Joker

5. Si Ramon Mitra.

6. Si Enrile

Ay naku, andami para ilista, di ba? Kaso, alang  nangyari sa mga ginawa nila.

NGAYON: eto na naman tayo! Marcos era revisited wid a deafRENT twist:

Ang mga bida sa kasalukuyan eh mga miembro nang House of Representatives atsaka Senado.  Me mga NGO na opposed sa Charter Change at pati na simbahan natin, ano fa nga ba! Eh di may I join da fun!

Eh ano ang mga pinag-aawayan?

Well, dati tawag dyan is “cha-cha”. (Aya ha? Diniskas natin to sa Pinoy Culture).

Ngayon ano na sya, ahhh, “con-ass” for “constituent assembly”.

Eh bakit nagkakagulo?

Kasi yong mga pro-Arroyo majority in the House of Representatives (the lower house of Congress) ay nag-convene nong laswik in defiance at objections nang Senado (the upper house). Yan ang reezon kung bakit jumbagan sila!!!

Ang issue is that the Arroyo government is planning to change the country’s political structure from a bicameral presidential system to a unicameral parliamentary one. Siempre pag isa na lang ang camera mo, isa na lang ang tingin mo.

Kaya nga kelangan amend my broken heart. Kaso bypass heart senate surgery and dating kaya galit ang Senado at mga political elite na interesado!

Kaya di kapagtataka na ang Senate eh oppose sa Arroyo tsaka bakit sasali sila sa agenda na pag natuloy yong unicameral eh pinis na sila?

An sabi ni Tita Glo:

Pagka unicameral parliamentary system drama chuva na sya, oil change!!! Ala nang gridlock, result? Pass na lang nang pass nang low kasi ngayon paralisado sila sa dalwang camera.

Eh dahil nga di isinali sa Jack en Poy ang Senate, ang mga haka haka eh dahil nag convene sila noong a-onse ba yun??? E referendum na ngayong Fibwari. Kaya pag nangyari to, aba, ngay-ong May 2007 elecshun, palpak na naman ang aking koroneyshun, kaya pagdating nang Nobyembre - me bagong pagong. Mag meyor na lang kaya ako?

To conclude my little analintek political insanity studies fotogayness:

Ang main na pinag-aawayan dito es:

Dinesign daw tong Con Ass para pahabain yong ki Gloria. Eeeekkk (sori ho Tita Glo!!!)

Sori ha? Teka.

Take 2.

Dinesign daw to para ma-posfon ang elecshun at mapahaba talaga yong ki Gloria. At dahil hahaba yong kanya, di magugustuhan nang tao, magkakagulo.

Eh kayo? Gusto nyo bang humaba yong ki Gloria??!

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